The Veil of Perfectionism
Uncovering the myth that permeates our culture
Mind Candy is a newsletter on practical philosophy and human flourishment—aka how to live the “the good life.” Each month we tackle a new theme. This month we’re exploring fulfillment.
This Week at a Glance:
This week, we dive into the topic of perfectionism. In our society today, we are heavily influenced by stories of how the success people around us are perfect. And because of this, we ourselves believe we need to be perfect.
By the time you finish this meditation, you’ll learn:
🍭 That perfectionism is a destination that cannot ever be reached;
🍬 Where perfectionism comes from and how it actually hinders us in life;
🍫 Three ways in combatting perfectionism and instead develop a growth mindset.
"How much will it matter, from the point of view of the whole universe, whether I speak well or badly?"
Bertrand Russel
We live in a time where we are hyper-focused on the idea of perfectionism. We have grown up with the stories and myths of titans of industry who were perfectionists in their pursuits for greatness.
Take for example the iPhone’s box. While most products are finished and simply shipped, Steve Jobs and Jony Ive turned the unboxing of the iPhone into an experience, seeking perfection from every detail. They saw the unboxing of the phone as another moment to excite the customer and ‘perfect’ the customer experience.
And so, those looking on come to a conclusion: ‘I have to touch every part of this, I need to do everything in my power to ensure this is perfect.’ There’s just one problem with this:
Perfection does not exist.
This despite all the constant cultural stories that say otherwise. The people you follow on social media, the buildings and architecture you adore, the role models you have, they are not perfect. They may have great attributes, they may have a work ethic you envy, but they are not perfect.
This belief in perfectionism is what I call the veil of perfection.
Perfection’s Origins
Perfectionism comes from many places but its most common inceptions lies in the need to control, and these desires for control are often (but not always) born out of our childhoods.
As a child, when one is criticized for their lack of perfection rather than guided and provided opportunities for growth, the child can grow up to seek control over their lives in an effort to avoid the discomfort and pain they felt as a child. They mistakenly believe that by taking control, they can prevent imperfections and the pains they once felt.
In addition to childhood traumas, perfectionism can spring up at any age due to expectations by one’s self, family, or society. They can even take on the belief that perfectionism is the same as worthiness. When pressure mounts on the individual and they feel out of control, it’s not uncommon for them to try and grab for control, trying to perfect something in an effort to bring structure to what they deem to be chaos.
And yet in all of this, there’s an interesting paradox: while we cling to control in an effort to create perfection, who defines perfection is often other people, the one’s we have no control over. As the psychologist Adam Grant has written:
“A great deal of research shows that perfectionists tend to define excellence on other people's terms. This focus on creating a flawless image in the eyes of others is a risk factor for depression, anxiety, burnout, and other mental health challenges… Seeking validation is a bottomless pit: the craving for status is never satisfied.”
A pursuit of perfection may in fact lead to success, but it can also cost the individual by instilling a fear of failure, a tendency to blame one’s self when things don’t work out, and lack of fulfillment when impossible standards are set and not met.
Managing Perfection, Control, and Egotism
Michael Eisner, the former CEO of Disney who I wrote about a few weeks back in our Friday Sweet Bites, was a micromanager. He made sure he had final say on everything going so far as to famously say, “Micromanaging is underrated.”
But behind micromanaging at this level is an unhealthy amount of egotism, a belief in one’s own powers and importance. Eisner’s inability to delegate and his belief in his own power created a funnel of decision-making that streamlined directly to him. This management style eventually would be his downfall and would prove costly to the company and shareholders.
President Dwight D. Eisenhower, in contrast, managed in a very different style, an example of which was on display as he returned from a parade celebrating him as president-elect. Handed two envelopes—both of importance—and labeled “Confidential and Secret”, Eisenhower responded, “Never bring me a sealed envelope. That’s what I have a staff for.”
Eisenhower understood what Eisner didn’t—what most people who attempt to perfection don’t: time is our most limited resource. Staff is there for delegation. When we’re leading, our focus needs to be on the bigger responsibilities.
There are problems in tying perfection with control. First, it limits your options—if something has to be perfect, you are not going to play as fast and loose with ideas because there is no guarantee they will improve what you’re doing, so you box yourself in by sticking to tried and true things, things you know you can control.
In the fast-paced world we live in today, you don’t need perfect, you need minimum viable product (MVP) that will move you from point A to B—leave the “perfection” to a later date. Most the time the most important thing is not perfection, it’s getting started.
As Grant says, “Perfectionism traps us in a spiral of tunnel vision and error avoidance: it prevents us from seeing larger problems and limits us to mastering increasingly narrow skills.”
Second, to Grant’s point above, by playing the perfectionist’s game, we hand over our mental health to people’s reactions to what we’re doing. Our pursuits of perfection are therefore not dictated by our own standards but rather by the standards others place upon the work we do, and those can, and are, always shifting. To think we ourselves can an do dictate outcomes on perfectionism is the arrogance of our ego at work.
Sure, maybe one day you will complete something that many said was “perfect.” But was it in fact perfect? No. Why?
Because no such thing exists.
All that exists is better.
And when we learn to accept this, we learn to shift our mindset from a fixed “perfectionist” mindset to an open “growth” mindset.
Rooting Out Perfectionism
“Perfect is the enemy of good,” the saying goes and it holds true. Most of the time “good” is better than nothing. Good moves the ball up field. Good is progress being made on something. Good is advancement on a goal.
There are three immediate ways to adjust oneself from a perfectionist mindset to a growth mindset.
Focus on improving
The late neurosurgeon Paul Kalanithi once said that perfection was unreachable, “but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.”
There is a difference between perfection and getting incrementally better. Perfection is a noun, it is tied to a destination, it is a state of being. Getting better, however, is a verb, it is active, always moving, always trying to be better.
David Brooks once described life for everyone as a series of stumbles, but that with time and attention, we could navigate life a little more gracefully as we lived.
In other words, find a way to incrementally get better at it.
By allowing ourselves the ability to improve, by holding a mindset focused on incremental growth, we provide ourselves freedom to learn, get better, and take chances, often which end up providing avenues to success and accomplishment we never would have seen otherwise.
Tolerate the flaws
Similarly to focusing on gradual improvement toward “perfection”, we can learn to accept the obstacles that prevent us from achieving perfection.
The Stoic philosopher and Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius reminded himself that the obstacle that stands in the way becomes the way. This means understanding life throws things at us, and with each obstacle, we’re given the opportunity to learn from the experience.
This defines having a growth mindset, to quote the psychologist Carol Dweck. If we choose to learn from our obstacles, from the flaws we hold, that our products holds, then we provide ourselves an opportunity to grow over time.
Grant says that success is defined not by achieving perfection but by how much we overcome in our pursuits of perfection.
“Tolerating flaws isn't just something novices need to do—it's part of becoming an expert and continuing to gain mastery. The more you grow, the better you know which flaws are acceptable.”
In order to do so, we need the ability to see we are not perfect, no one is. Perfection is unattainable, there is only improving, getting better. Those of us who can recognize our imperfections and have self-compassion are quicker to recover from the setbacks we experience according to Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant in their book, Option B.
Keep an Eye on the Clock
Eisenhower knew he didn’t have time to touch everything that crossed his desk. Time is finite. We’re limited in how much we can do in a given day. Everyone has 24 hours. It is up to us to determine how best to use that time.
If we’re in the weeds on everything, if we allow our egotism to drive decision-making, then it is quite possible we end up much the way Eisner did.
Our time limitations provide us opportunities to prioritize and understand what needs to be worked on and when. We learn to delegate not because we necessarily want to but because we need to.
Perhaps more than anyone, the economist and philosopher Thomas Sowell summarized it best:
“Man is, in short, perfectible—meaning continually improvable rather than capable of actually reaching absolute perfection.”
We can never find perfection, we can only continue on our path toward it.
3-Bullet Summary:
The need for perfectionism is often born out of childhood experiences where we were hurt for not being better. We tie perfection to control in an effort to not allow that pain in again.
But perfection is not achievable and a pursuit of control is often misaligned as the people who most define what perfection is are individuals outside ourselves. We therefore have even less control than we think.
In order to beat perfectionism, we need the ability to take a step back and realize it is not perfectionism we want, but rather, incremental progress over time. By keeping a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset, we’re better aligned to manage our time and properly pursue growth instead of perfection.
Until next week,
D.A. DiGerolamo
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