The Powers, and Pitfalls, of Empathy
How the emotion that connects us can also destroy us
Mind Candy is a newsletter on practical philosophy and human flourishment—aka how to live the “the good life.” Each month we tackle a new theme. This month we’re exploring emotions.
This Week at a Glance:
This week we close out our April theme of emotions by exploring the emotion that connects us to one another: empathy.
By the time you finish this meditation, you’ll learn:
🍭 what empathy is and why we evolved to have it;
🍬 what the benefits to being empathetic are;
🍫 two common pitfalls anyone who is empathetic can easily fall into.
“The deepest principle of Human Nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
William James
I. The History & Purpose of Empathy
Empathy is perhaps one of the most important emotions humans need on a daily basis. It is what connects us to one another and what is needed to ensure a society thrives. But it also has its downsides.
According to the pioneering psychologist on the emotion, Daniel Goleman, focus on others is the foundation of empathy.
Empathy itself is born out of what is often called “theory of mind”—the ability to understand there are multiple perspectives and experiences outside of one’s own. In its most simplest form, empathy is our ability to try and understand the world from these other perspectives—our ability to imagine a situation from someone else’s shoes.
But before we can understand the world from another’s perspective, we must turn the lens inward and attempt to understand ourselves; what makes us tick, what do our emotions mean to us, why do we act in the ways we do. By understanding ourselves, we’re better equipped to understand others.
Empathy is what allows us to work better together, to see a play or movie, to read a book and relate to the story or character, to feel like the artist themselves had understood something fundamental about us.
According to Robert Greene, empathy evolved within us because “Our brains were built for continual social interaction.” Our faces alone have 42 muscles that contract at any given time to provide the world an understanding of our state from our thoughts, to our moods, and our emotions. And we have the ability to read these features on others and distinguish, to a certain degree, what that person is experiencing.
II. Pitfalls of Empathy & How to Avoid
When we allow ourselves to be empathic, we find ourselves turning to others and assisting them, seeing or hearing their problems and attempting to console, nurture, or reassure. In essence, it brings us closer to one another and assists us in connecting.
Sometimes, we even feel good about this. So empathy can be doubly good because it not only allows us to connect with others, it also rewards us for doing so by giving us a small jolt of happiness.
But empathy is not without its downsides.
A. Performing Acts for Recognition
For one, many would argue that because one is receiving a benefit from the assistance, in this case, a feeling of good for helping someone else, we are not intrinsically doing good but rather are performing the act for the benefit of some reward.
To this, I think often about the analogy the philosopher Christian B. Miller likes to use:
“When I drive my car, my goal is naturally to arrive at my destination. That is why I get in my car--it is the goal I am ultimately aiming for. At the same time, a by-product (or side effect) of my driving is that I enjoy the breeze on my face as I drive with the window down. Now my goal in driving is not to feel the breeze. Yet it is still true that when I drive I have this experience as a by-product, even though it is not part of my goal.”
The intentionality behind our actions matter. If we’re pursuing a good deed because of what we can reap from it, then clearly that is not someone being empathic, it is someone selfishly looking to gain something.
The enlightenment philosopher David Hume summarized this issue by looking upon it from a utility perspective. If we did good for the benefit of the other then it is natural we feel good ourselves as we were useful—we’ve done the job we set out to do and do not feel bad for doing it (versus having not done anything to help and therefore feeling bad).
If we’re doing the deed because that is what is right, because we can understand their situation and empathize with their plight, then our actions are coming from a genuinely good place. This is what the philosopher Adam Smith would have called the impartial spectator.
With our proper self-reflection, without the ability to question oneself and know the truth of their intention, you can easily find yourself falling into a trap of performing good deeds for the “high” it can provide.
B. Susceptible to Manipulation
The second pitfall of empathy is that it can leave us susceptible to others’ manipulative tactics.
For many of us, emotions are a gateway into our actions. When our emotions are triggered, actions follow. This is, after all, how we navigate the world.
But that doesn’t mean people and corporations don’t try to hijack that emotion for their own agenda.
An example many will be familiar with is the BCSBCA commercials featuring the country singer Sarah McLachlan. We hear her music over a montage of videos showcasing animals in need of help. Finally, when we cannot stand to see another set of sad eyes, McLachlan comes on screen (holding an animal no less) to say the BCSBCA would love your support and requests you do so by providing a monthly (monetary) gift to help provide these animals the help they need.
There’s a reason most of us who have experienced these commercials go for the remote to change the channel—their tactic works, we see and feel the pain of the animals and feel an obligation to help (the two Redditors below perfectly capture the sentiment).
The first and most important step to avoiding the pull of scenarios like this is to recognize the underlying play that is going on. People know its hard for someone to say no to a person or creature in need.
C. Taking on Others’ Emotions
Someone who is extremely empathic may find themselves in situations more often than they’d like where a friend, colleague, or family member asks something of them, and they feel obligated to assist because of an understanding to the other person’s situation.
Perspective shifting is helpful but can also come with some serious emotional baggage if you cannot learn when and how to utilize it. If you’re not careful, everyone else’s problems can quickly become your own.
We combat this by setting boundaries and holding them, not allowing that line to be crossed, not even once. Once the boundary is crossed, it is easier for it to be crossed again and again.
We want to be seen. We want to be appreciated. We want to be connected to others around us, to our social circle, to our friends and family, to our colleagues at work. And empathy allows us to be closer to all of these. But it also comes with some serious emotional pitfalls if we’re not careful. By understanding ourselves, by understanding the tactics others use, by keeping proper boundaries, we can attempt to reap all the rewards of empathy and limit its downsides.
3-Bullet Summary:
Empathy is innate within most of us but in order to truly utilize it, we first have to understand ourselves and our own emotions;
Empathy is a social tool that connects us to others by allowing us to understand them and what their experiences;
While empathy is for the most part a positive emotion, it also comes with some downsides such as misusing it for personal gain, being emotionally manipulated by others, and the willingness to take on others’ burdens.
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Until next week,
D.A. DiGerolamo
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