The Path to Happiness is Paved with Others
An indirect pursuit to happiness
Introduction to Monthly Theme
“I never, indeed, wavered in the conviction that happiness is the test of all rules of conduct, and the end of life. But I now thought that this end was only to be attained by not making it the direct end. Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way.”
What is happiness and why do we make it so central to our lives?
On the face of it, it’s a multifaceted emotion encompassing many sub-emotions from joy or contentment to pleasure, ecstasy, and exhilaration.
But what does it mean to actually be happy? What truly brings happiness to us?
My goal for this newsletter has always been and continues to be about finding and reflecting upon practical ways to bring out human flourishment.
Is this happiness?
Yes.
And no.
Too often today we believe we can solve our problems with a pill or purchase. But as William James, Freud, and Jung all found in their own way, we are malleable individuals who control much of our own emotional states. Each of these men pursued wisdom in search of finding answers to questions around living a better life and assisting others to do the same.
The ancient Stoics believed eudaimonia was the path to true happiness. They did not think this to mean giddiness or ecstasy, rather, to the Stoics, it was, to quote Zeno of Citium, about finding a good flow to life. In other words, it was about how well one could handle the trials and tribulations they encountered on a daily basis. It was about flourishing in the best of times as well as the worst.
It is about how well one bears their existence.
Rather than attack happiness head on, the path to the good life, and happiness indirectly, is the pursuit of human flourishment (eudaimonia) and excellence (arete).
And that is what we are exploring for the month of December.
The relationships we hold are the lifeblood to our happiness, yet are seldom recognized in today’s society as holding such weight.
Nearly 25 years ago, Robert Putnam wrote about just how important these relationships were and that they were declining. The “social capital” we received from civic activities such as trust, friendship, and social bonds were vital to healthy relationships with others and within society, and yet, people were walking away and isolating themselves more.
Technology, first through television and know through the Internet and social media has enveloped our lives. While social media has helped expand our social networks, it has come with a cost. We now have wider nets but shallower reach within those connections, leading many to feel lonely.
This is the antithesis of what the Stoics preached. While much of Stoicism is focused on the dichotomy of control and self-reliance, central to the philosophy is its dependence on cosmopolitanism and a belief that we’re all connected—that relationships are the key to living the good life and to our happiness.
As Marcus Aurelius once reminded himself, “people are our proper occupation. Our job is to do them good and put up with them.”
We cannot properly flourish when we do not have others in our lives. We’re social creatures and are reliant upon our fellow individuals. It is with others that we celebrate, that we fall in love, that we accomplish anything.
And it all takes place through give and take. It’s reciprocal. We cannot just use the people for our own wants and desires.
In the longest happiness study ever conducted, and of which is still running, there was a single factor that impacted happiness over all others: relationships.
As Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz write in their book on the study, The Good Life:
“Helping others benefits the one who helps. There is both a neural and a practical link between generosity and happiness. Being generous is a way to prime your brain for good feelings, and those good feelings in turn make us more likely to help others in the future. Generosity is an upward spiral.”
The path to happiness is paved with others, not by them. When we are working hand in hand, we accomplish more than when we are alone.
The majority of people on their deathbed say they are more often regretful of not spending more time on their relationships with others.
It may not seem like happiness in the moment, but having people in your lives who we care for and who care for you, who support you, who are there when times get tough and when they aren’t, these are integral to our well-being and our overall happiness.
Perhaps it is Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote on friendship that best summarizes how our relationships lead to happiness:
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
When we put the focus on others, when we do not make happiness our end goal, we inevitably find happiness ourselves through the relationships we form and the experience we make. Together.
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Until next time,
D.A. DiGerolamo
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