The Infinite Game of Human Relations
Looking at our relationships through the lens of infinite and finite game
Mind Candy is a newsletter on practical philosophy and human flourishment—aka how to live the “the good life.” Each month we tackle a new theme.
This month we’re exploring relationships.
Whenever we face times of discomfort, we naturally tend to want to ease the distress. This applies in all aspects of our lives whether it be physical, emotional, financial, or in business.
When something doesn’t feel good, we look for a fix, and we usually focus on whatever will provide it the quickest.
Unfortunately, this often means taking short term comfort over long term gains for the problem at hand.
Life is a series of games, two of which can be thought of as finite and infinite according to the religious scholar James P. Carse. Finite games are, by definition, “played for the purpose of winning,” whereas an infinite games are played “for the purpose of continuing the play.”
The problem we all face is we allow situations or desires to control our mindset of which game we’re playing. Sometimes we’re playing a finite game, such as a baseball game (trying to win), but hold an infinite mindset (lots of games in the season even if we lose). Other times, we are playing an infinite game and hold a finite mindset.
When we apply a finite mindset to our relations, we end up treating people as a means to an end, willing to do what we need to with them for our own victories.
Simon Sinek has stated that, “When we lead with a finite mindset in an infinite game, it leads to all kinds of problems, the most common of which include the decline of trust, cooperation and innovation. Leading with an infinite mindset in an infinite game, in contrast, really does move us in a better direction.”
But this infinite versus finite mindsets need not and should not stop there. The underlying theme that plays through both of these is the relationships we have to other and where they fall on our list of concerns.
If we do not care about our relationships, if we view people as pieces on the board game of our lives and what leads to our success or us accomplishing our desires, then we will treat people as pawns, sacrificing and discarding as needed to get what we want.
But if we look at these relations through the lens of an infinite game, suddenly they hold greater value and weight. We care more about the individuals and their lives, we don’t just discard them for our own gain but at times sacrifice our own pursuits or goals to help them achieve their own. We understand that there’s time for them and there’s time for us, our time horizon is longer than a week or quarter. We look to people as partners in the game of life, not as enemies standing in our way.
As Sinek finishes, “Groups that adopt an infinite mindset enjoy vastly higher levels of trust, cooperation and innovation and all the subsequent benefits.”
Take the Christmas Truce of 1925 between the British and Germany armies during WWI. Both sides were playing a finite game, looking to defeat the other and end the war. They were in battle hoping to crush the other. But then on Christmas Eve, as each side sat in the freezing cold and tried to stay warm, their mindset shifted, even if for a brief moment. In one of the most remarkable moments in war, the two sides decided to come to a temporary truce.
And it all started with some Christmas carols.
The Germans had begun singing. The British listened for some time. Then they too joined in and began siinging.
And then, as recounted by a British soldier, ““Suddenly… we heard a confused shouting from the other side. We all stopped to listen. The shout came again.” The voice was from an enemy soldier, speaking in English with a strong German accent. He was saying, “Come over here.””
The Brits yelled back to meet halfway.
Before they knew it, each side had pulled themselves out of the trenches, and began to interact with the other side. Some sang, others found a soccer ball and began playing.
The two sides put their differences aside for a small moment to just be… human, and enjoy life.
While each side was playing a finite game, this moment, this small moment in the war showed both sides shifting their mindset to an infinite game, one that recognized the humanity of each side, and the commonality of Christmas Eve.
Yes, each side would eventually return to war, but for the briefest of moments, these sides showed what it meant to stop playing a finite game of winners and losers and instead play an infinite game of just being alive, relishing in existence, and embracing the moment of a holiday,
Or we can similarly think back to Henry Dunant who we discussed a few weeks ago in our Friday Sweet Bites, and how he and his small Italian village of Solferino put aside their differences in the war to help those wounded regardless of what side they were on.
Compassion, trust, loyalty, empathy, respect. All components of an individual looking to play the long game with their relations.
Those who play the long game understand the meaning of life, they understand what Marcus Aurelius meant when he said “people exist for one another.”
At any point, we could be on the other side of tragedy. it could be us who needs help. And it is through this shared connection to the fragility of life that we are strengthened.
Alone we are weak, but together we are strong and resilient.
Until next time,
D.A. DiGerolamo
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