The Hate We Hold
Anger, Hate, and the Desire for Revenge
This week’s Meditation at a glance:
Anger is the fuel that leads to hate. Hate is the catalyst that leads to a desire for revenge. How do we prevent anger from turning into revenge and how do we live with ourselves when we cannot get revenge? This is what we explore this week.
It is very easy to become wrapped up in hate. It starts small, a smoldering ember of anger and soon builds from there. Hate is what happens when we allow anger to take in oxygen and expand.
The famed author Toni Morrison once commented that hate burns everything but itself.
“Hate does that. Burns off everything but itself, so whatever your grievance is, your face looks just like your enemy’s.”
The Stoics would argue to avoid hate, to work to control one’s anger, to ensure we do not even get there.
Seneca wrote to his brother in the essay De Ira (On Anger) that there are only two ways to avoid anger: find a way to prevent yourself from ever getting angry, and if you fail, find a way to not destroy anything when you are in an angry state.
Easier said than done. Once anger gets its fangs into us, it is hard to let go. It needs to run its course, and often, we need to get up and do something--go for a run, workout, take some time for ourselves--to allow the anger subside, to get the necessary rest it needs, to deprive it of the oxygen it seeks—what can and will lead to hate.
The new Netflix show Beef demonstrates exactly what not to do when angry. The show centers around two individuals who nearly get into a fender-bender in a store parking lot. This leads to honking of car horns, flipping the bird, and general anger. That soon leads to road rage, which is the catalyst to a series of escalations that are constantly upping the anti and risking everything each of the characters has. The show itself is a perfect example of how anger, when provided the oxygen it seeks to expand, can and will destroy everything in its path--it will lead to hate and hate will lead to actions that seek revenge at all costs.
“The best revenge is not to be like your enemy,” Marcus Aurelius reminded himself.
The irony with the show Beef is that at any moment, either of the two main characters could have walked away. Each of them could have cut their losses and just said “I’m done.” But anger doesn’t allow that, hate doesn’t allow that, and revenge doesn’t allow that.
When we become enveloped in these emotions, with the desire to “right the wrong” that has been committed against us, we cannot just let it go, we are driven to get “justice.” An eye-for-an-eye as they say.
“"Revenge" is a word unworthy of human beings, even if it's believed to be a just thing,” Seneca would remark to his brother.
But an eye-for-eye leaves the whole world blind as they say.
Too often, we cannot walk away because we feel we need justice. We feel we need to maintain our honor, that someone has slighted us and they now must pay.
But if one was to perform a post-mortem on what happens when we “get our revenge” it would show very little good coming from it. It would show anger building into hate leading to actions that are uncharacteristic of us, that put us in situations that will continually allow that anger to burn bigger and destroy more.
There is almost always the option of walking away. This is the option of being the bigger individual, of not letting it get to you. And this is what Marcus meant when he said the best revenge was not being like your enemy. You don’t have to sacrifice your character for revenge. You don’t need to be the person who gets the final word. It is your action that builds your character, and it takes just as much courage, respect, and dignity to walk away from a situation as it does to stay in it and fight.
It is always tempting to get revenge, to right the wrongs that we feel have been committed against us. But it isn’t always necessary, and it isn’t always right. If you can face the situation while maintaining your character, then you have already won, revenge won’t get you any further.
It is the maintenance of your character that at the end of the day matters most, not the revenge you can get on someone.
Three Bullet Summary:
If given the opportunity to thrive, anger can quickly turn into hatred for another
A desire for revenge is the natural outcome of hate and feeling slighted by someone
We hold within our control the ability to keep our character and maintain equanimity by not allowing anger to escalate, by reminding ourselves that it is our character that matters most
Thank you again for reading and I hope you found this useful. Please feel free to heart, comment, or ask questions about this post. Suggestions are always appreciated and considered.
Until next week,
D.A. DiGerolamo