The Art of Self-Talk
3 Beginner Exercises for Taking Back Control of Your Inner Dialogue
3 Beginner Exercises for Taking Back Control of Your Inner Dialogue
“Virtue alone is elevated and lofty. Nothing is great unless it’s also at peace.”-Seneca
One of the most important tools one can provide themselves in life is the tool of self-talk. We all have self-talk, it is the little voice in our head that we hear when things go right or wrong, when things get tough, when we are afraid. It is the voice that builds us when we make an accomplishment and tears us down when we feel like we have failed.
Learning to control the self-talk and utilize it to our advantage is one key to living a healthy and happy life. The more one practices their self-talk, the easier it becomes.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, founded by Aaron Beck in the 1960s and inspired by the works of Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, helps individuals to better harness the power of self-talk. Below are three techniques one can immediately begin implementing to help quiet the inner voice in their head and help them succeed.
EMOTIONAL REASONING
One of the most common ways that we provide self-talk to ourselves is through emotional reasoning. This is when we allow our emotions to dictate how we interpret events. We lock our emotional state to an event and color the event with that emotion, stopping us from objectively interpreting the event itself.
A sample phrase we may say to ourselves is:
“I am unhappy with myself therefore everyone in the world hates me.”
Here, because the individual is unhappy and depressed, they are projecting that emotional state onto the world and interpreting the world through that lens. However, by taking a step back and refocusing on the event and attempting to decouple the emotion from the event, we can begin readjusting the self-talk.
“I am unhappy, however, my current feelings do not dictate what others do or say.”
In referencing anger, Marcus Aurelius reminded himself:
“Remember — your responsibilities can be broken down into individual parts as well. Concentrate on those, and finish the job methodically — without getting stirred up or meeting anger with anger.”
CATASTROPHIZING
Catastrophizing is perhaps the most common self-talk because it short circuits our thinking and pushes us from 0 to 60 in an instant. Catastrophizing is when one focuses on the worst possible outcome.
Sample phrase we may say to ourselves is:
“If I fail at this task, my life is over.”
One task does not make or break one’s life. Reinforcing these negative catastrophizing events leads to anxiety and pressure on the task and puts us into a “make it or break it’’ state where we feel the world is on our shoulders.
We can combat this thinking, however, simply by applying reason to the situation and attempting to take a step back to objectively review the situation.
Epictetus reminded his students just how important applying reason to any situation was, stating:
“The faculty of reason. For that alone of all the faculties that we’ve been granted is capable of understanding both itself — what it is, what it is capable of, and what value it contributes — and all the other faculties.”
BLAMING
The last of the most common self-talk is that of blaming. This is self-explanatory, it is when we blame others for our problems.
A sample phrase we may say is:
“I am acting this way because that person made me mad, it’s not my fault.”
This tactic of inner-dialogue is an avoidance tactic, a way for us to skirt responsibility for our actions. If we blame someone else for riling us up, if we blame someone else for turning us from happy to angry, we can’t be responsible for our actions, it’s the other person who caused us to feel this way therefore they should take the blame for the actions that spawn from this.
But ultimately, this train of thought is wrong — we are in control of our own lives and that means taking responsibility for the things we say and do. The first step in changing this thought pattern is taking a step back from the situation and analyzing whether or not we are, in fact, the responsible party.
As Epictetus reminded his students:
“Our master is anyone who has the power to implement or prevent the things that we want or don’t want. Whoever wants to be free, therefore, should wish for nothing or avoid nothing that is up to other people. Failing that, one is bound to be a slave.”
None of these thought patterns are new, nor are they unique to a single individual. The Stoics dealt with them thousands of years ago and we continue to deal with them today. The key is to catch yourself in the act and work to control your thoughts. You can’t push them out, they’ll just come back. But by using logic and reasoning to objectively review our inner dialogue, to reframe the language, we can better overcome the voice in our head.
As Marcus Aurelius reminded himself:
“Your ability to control your thoughts — treat it with respect. It’s all that protects your mind from false perceptions — false to your nature and that of all rational beings. It’s what makes thoughtfulness possible, and affection for other people, and submission to the divine.”
We send a Stoic meditation every Monday morning directly to your inbox. To sign up to receive our Monday Meditations, click here.