Stop Acting Surprised
Understanding the people we're dealing with
Much of the anxiety, anger, and frustration we experience in life comes from the fact that people do things we would not expect. Even when we think we know someone, we find ourselves bewildered by their actions.
A friend doesn’t offer help when you need it.
A promised promotion never comes.
A colleague doesn’t pull their weight in a project.
These things all take place day-after-day in our lives and we’re always in some sense surprised by them. This is the great irony of ourselves. Part of this problem is we default to truth and we want to believe what people say, we want to believe people are better than what they really are. We want to think they’re honest. But the other reason we’re surprised is that we simply ignore common patterns -- the truth -- of these individuals. We’ve watched them day in and day out.
We’ve seen the friend not offer help to their other friends and only take help from others.
We’ve watched and been a part of the race for the carrot time and time again with the same manager, always just a little underperforming, in their words, to get it.
We’ve watched our colleague not pull their weight in other projects time and time again, always having excuses for why they need to pass the work on to someone else.
Yet when it comes to the relationship between them and us, we think we’re different, we think it won’t happen, we put on rose-colored glasses and see them as these better individuals.
But people always reveal themselves through their actions, especially the actions they perform time and time again. Their actions are the mirror of their intentions and their character.
Marcus Aurelius dealt with every type of person and situation imaginable — backstabbing, grandiose, eccentric, snobbish — as he ruled Rome. He forced himself to remember the people he would encounter and remind himself to remember who they were.
“Yes, boorish people do boorish things. What's strange or unheard-of about that? Isn't it yourself you should reproach - for not anticipating that they'd act this way? The logos gave you the means to see it - that a given person would act a given way - but you paid no attention. And now you're astonished that he's gone and done it. ”
We are distinct from the rest of the animals in the world according to the Stoics because we possess the ability to reason. It is within our power of reason to know and assume that if someone acts a certain way, they are likely going to continue to act that way -- why we would be surprised goes against the logic provided by the logos.
“So when you call someone "untrustworthy" or "ungrateful," turn the reproach on yourself. It was you who did wrong. By assuming that someone with those traits deserved your trust. Or by doing them a favor and expecting something in return, instead of looking to the action itself for your reward. What else did you expect from helping someone out? Isn't it enough that you've done what your nature demands?”
Marcus even chides himself and takes us through his thought process, one that we’ve all had to go through before, where once we realize we are no different than anyone else to these people.
“As if your eyes expected a reward for seeing, or your feet for walking. That's what they were made for. By doing what they were designed to do, they're performing their function.”
Our reason is there to do the analysis, to understand the people we’re dealing with. It can be incredibly frustrating when we feel betrayed, let down, or heartbroken by someone else. And no matter how hard we work at it, it will happen. People will always act as they do, and we must always use our minds to study these people and understand their nature, who they are, and understand when and when we can’t rely upon them.
Ultimately though, we are made to help each other. We are all parts of a bigger picture, or as Marcus writes in Meditations, like rows of teeth who are used in conjunction with one another.
“Whereas humans were made to help others. And when we do help others - or help them to do something - we're what we were designed for. We perform our function.”
Our task then is this: be reliant upon ourselves while understanding we are built for the broader community. Understand the people we are dealing with. Understand their tendencies and the games they play. This will prevent us from being wrapped up in disappointment and despair, and it will make us more reliant on our reasoning abilities.
Thank you again for reading and I hope you found this useful. Please feel free to heart, comment, or ask questions about this post. Suggestions are always appreciated and considered.
Until next week,
D.A. DiGerolamo