Stand Up for What You Believe
Key lessons on how to improve your assertiveness
Key lessons on how to improve your assertiveness
What does it mean to be assertive? Often when we think of assertive people, we think of individuals who are loud or rude, who are unwilling to listen to others, who constantly interject their thoughts and opinions into conversations.
But this is not assertive. Being assertive is about clear and respectful communication, understanding the balance between being passive and being aggressive.
Once one learns to master being assertive, they will see their confidence rise, they will have more self-esteem, and they will begin to view their opinion with more authority and respect.
Being assertive is one of the key components of effective communication.
Here are seven ways to help anyone become more assertive today.
Understand the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive
You’re in a meeting and someone continuously interrupts the speaker to interject their opinion. They view their opinion as the correct opinion and only opinion, and reject anyone else’s.
This is not assertiveness, this is aggressive.
You sit in the same meeting, the speaker requests feedback in the form of questions or concerns. You have them, perhaps even many, but choose not to speak up for fear of rejection or shyness.
This is passive.
Aggressive tends to hold traits of hostility or intrusiveness while passive lacks an opinion, or is accepting of the situation, too shy to provide a take on any of it.
Assertive is about being confident in yourself.
We all know the problem with aggression, but few understand that passivity leads to aggression. Being passive leads one to be reactive rather than active and can lead to fear, anger, and resentment.
Understand other’s views
Understanding another person’s point of view is part of having emotional intelligence. Being able to see another’s opinion is critical to being able to be assertive. By seeing their opinion or argument, and being able to see the flaws or lack of cohesion in it, you can be better prepared to add your own opinion and state the weaknesses in the other’s argument.
Understanding how someone else operates will help you to better understand their train of thought and when to, and not to, interject with your own opinion or opposition to their line of thinking.
Work on adding cushion statements
Cushion statements are a communication device wherein the speaker “cushions” what they are about to say with a friendlier, more validating statement before they get to the meat and bones of what they wish to express.
For example, rather than saying:
“I really hated that presentation. You continuously droned on about apples and I don’t even like apples!”
You could say…
“Thank you for the presentation on apples. I think there is a lot of good things in there, I want to see if we can take it in a slightly different direction…”
It is about how you present your opinion to the other person. One of the keys to cushion statements is using the first person “I”.
Understand, it is okay to say ‘no’
Saying ‘no’ to people is often hard. Some believe that if you say no, the person requesting a yes will no longer like them, or that the opportunity will never come again, or that they have now burned the bridge with the individual.
But saying ‘no’ is crucial in becoming assertive. The hours in the day are limited and therefore what we wish to accomplish is impacted by the amount of times we say ‘yes’ vs saying ‘no’.
Greg McKeown, author of best-selling Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, states in his book:
“If it isn’t a clear yes, then it’s a clear no.”
But even knowing this, saying ‘no’ is hard. So McKeown wrote a LinkedIn article to help. In it, he provides advice on how to say no:
“Saying no is like any other skill: it can be improved through practice. Start practicing with a relatively trivial request, like a lunch invitation you have received in email. Over time build up until saying no becomes easy. It may be the most useful skill you ever develop. Because it’s only by saying no to things that aren’t really meaningful that we have the space and energy to concentrate on the things that are.”
Build confidence by accepting yourself
If one’s goal is to become more assertive, the first step is to understand yourself and be accepting of where you are. Perhaps you are passive in meetings, or conversely, perhaps you interject too often. Understanding your current state will help you to understand the things you need to work on to move in the direction of assertiveness. Do not think of this as an attack on yourself, but rather, a tune-up you’re looking for.
By having a baseline of where you currently stand, it will become easier for you to see where you have to go.
Look for opportunities to be assertive, not times where you weren’t
It is easy to get down on yourself, to think back on times you wished you had spoken up or been more assertive.
Remember these times but don’t dwell on them.
By knowing where you could have been more assertive in the past, you can now know where and when you may be able to be more assertive in the future.
This could mean offering solutions to problems in meetings, or speaking up when you have knowledge on a topic, or you have something to add to a conversation. If you have experience in the subject being discussed, volunteer your experience and expertise — come up with solutions and spread your knowledge to fix the problem.
Be clear in your communication
Assertiveness is built on clear communication. If we cannot clearly articulate what we wish to say, we will lack assertiveness and it’ll all come out jumbled and conflated.
If speaking (which is key to assertiveness) makes you nervous, practice writing down what you want to say prior to saying it out loud. This will help you to not only articulate your thoughts in a clearer way, it will also help you to begin to express what you’re thinking.
Wrap it all up
Being assertive does not happen overnight. Like anything else, it is a skill which must be practiced time and time again. But it is possible for anyone to become more assertive if they continuously work at it.
For ease of self-exploration, below is a checklist one can use to review their performance in interactions and observe their level of assertiveness within those interactions.
· Is what I said clear?
· Was anything too passive or aggressive within my communication?
· Did I say no when I needed to and if not, why?
· Did I apply cushion statements throughout the conversation such as “I appreciate what you said…” or “Thank you for your opinion…”
· Did I provide constructive feedback or was I criticizing?
Remember, clear, concise, and empathetic. These are the keys to assertiveness.