Forget What They Say and Do
Marcus Aurelius on avoiding the pull of others’ actions
At a Glance:
This week we dive into the power of controlling our thoughts as it relates to what others think and say about us. We explore how we hold power over our own thoughts and the assessments we make of them, and how while we are social creatures, we have the ability to ignore what others think of us.
We are social animals. We need to belong to a group(s), and we need the assistance of others for survival. “We become who we are,” David Brooks once wrote, “in conjunction with other people becoming who they are.”
But there is a downside to this social aspect we innately have: the desire to be liked and wanted within our group. Because we are such social creatures, we need to feel like we are part of the group, and by doing so, we care and take to heart what others think and say about us. Rooted deep within us is a fear that we will be cast out and abandoned if we are not liked.
There are times, however, when we need to ignore or cast aside what others think or say of us. We need to be able to push on without this fear of abandonment. Marcus Aurelius spent many entries of his Meditations working to do just this.
Focus on What You Control
The first guidance Marcus provides to himself in the Meditations is the reminder of remembering what is within one’s control. We do not control the gossip others share and we do not control the actions of others. We have some influence over others’ actions but ultimately do not control them.
“So other people hurt me?” Marcus wrote to himself, “That's their problem. Their character and actions are not mine. What is done to me is ordained by nature, what I do by my own.”
As he tries to focus his thoughts, he reminds himself of the need to remember the actions we take, those are our own actions and build our own character. The character of others is built through their own actions and we need to refrain from thinking otherwise.
Later in book eight, he reminds himself that it is his own assessment of what others say and do that would cause him harm and that he has the power to stop these thoughts.
“External things are not the problem. It's your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.”
Follow Your Individual Nature
Each of us is imbued with our own nature, what we are capable of and who we are to become. Just as we can influence others, so too can others influence us. It is through our own individual actions that we are able to harness our own individuality and build our own character.
“Someone despises me. That's their problem. Mine: not to do or say anything despicable. Someone hates me. Their problem. Mine: to be patient and cheerful with everyone, including them... As long as you do what's proper to your nature, and accept what the world's nature has in store - as long as you work for others' good, by any and all means - what is there that can harm you?”
It is easy to be influenced by how others act. We’re social, we look for cues on how others act and try to replicate this in an effort to fit in. Society is built by culture and culture is built by the actions of the collective at any given time. We therefore are always in this fluctuating state where we unconsciously are being influenced by others around us.
But this doesn’t mean if the people around us are lashing out and leaning into their more destructive tendencies we have to as well. In fact, this is exactly what Marcus is reminding himself above: our pursuit for the individual is virtue. Yes, it is easy to fall prey to the tribe mentality and want to join in the hate and vitriol, but ultimately that does not bring about virtue and that does not build character.
As someone who was running a country, he worked to focus his attentions back on what mattered, what was best for the people of Rome.
“Character” David Brooks wrote, “emerges gradually out of the mysterious interplay of a million little good influences.”
Watch the Judgements You Make
We are constantly being hit with stimuli from the environment and are having to make quick-second (unconscious) decisions about whether it is good or bad. The Stoics were particularly about bringing these judgments from the unconscious to the conscious. They separated judgments into three categories:
Good: Something that benefits the self.
Bad: Something which doesn’t benefit the self.
Indifferent: It could be good or bad but is dependent upon other things.
By properly reviewing and analyzing the judgments we place on things, we are better able to adjust our thinking and how we interpret them.
In book eight of Mediations, Marcus reminds himself of this, writing:
“Either pain affects the body (which is the body's problem) or it affects the soul. But the soul can choose not to be affected, preserving its own serenity, its own tranquility. All our decisions, urges, desires, aversions lie within. No evil can touch them.”
Again, we are building a strong character by being able to bring back control, by bringing our mental actions from the unconscious to the conscious.
“That it’s not what they do that bothers us: that’s a problem for their minds, not ours. It’s our own misperceptions. Discard them. Be willing to give up thinking of this as a catastrophe...and your anger is gone. How do you do that? By recognizing that you’ve suffered no disgrace. Unless disgrace is the only thing that can hurt you, you’re doomed to commit innumerable offenses-to become a thief, or heaven only knows what else.”
Cicero once wrote that it is within everyone to have a happy life, but it is only through the seeking of good within ourselves that this is possible. If we work to build true character and lean into virtue and not vice can we attempt to do this.
3-Bullet Summary:
Focus on what is within your control. We cannot control what others say about us, we can control what we do in response to that.
Lean into virtue in building your own character and do not fall prey to the pull of the crowd.
Pay careful attention to the judgments you are placing on events and try to determine whether they truly are what our initial reaction to them makes us feel.
Thank you again for reading and I hope you found this useful. Please feel free to heart, comment, or ask questions about this post. Suggestions are always appreciated and considered.
Until next week,
D.A. DiGerolamo