Feedback vs Advice, Seeking Coaches, & Building Maps for the Future
Wednesday Wisdoms for September 11, 2024
Welcome to Wednesday Wisdom, our 3x3 Newsletter where I distill worldly advice for better living with 3 quotes, 3 observations, and 3 questions.
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Feedback vs Advice
🤨 Quote
“If we believe ourselves in part, we may be right about ourselves. If we are completely taken in by our own disguise, we cannot help being wrong.”
Thomas Merton
Source: The Pocket Thomas Merton
Observation 🧐
We all attempt to disguise our shortcomings from time-to-time, no one likes to appear less than what they want to be. This is not to say we’re doing anything malicious, rather, it’s hard to admit the truth about what we do at times.
This is why feedback is so crucial. Without feedback, we have no one to hold us accountable to what we’ve said or done.
We can, and do, often hold ourselves accountable but it doesn’t mean we get the clearest picture.
This is why we need others to help provide feedback to us. But feedback can be a tricky thing to not only receive but also give.
But by reframing the questions we ask others for in feedback discussions, we’re more inclined to get answers that are in fact valuable, that don’t stroke our ego, and that aren’t basic.
When the psychologist
first started giving speeches and lectures, he bombed—to his own admittance.To try and improve, he started asking for feedback. He notes in his most recent book Hidden Potential that when he’d come off stage he’d ask people how he did and, not wanting to hurt his feelings, people would respond with positivity and the usual ego stroke of “Great!”, “Really good!”, and “I liked it.”
The problem was Grant could tell something was off and he needed others help to pinpoint what about the speeches wasn’t working.
“I replaced my usual feedback questions with a basic request for advice,” he writes. “What's the one thing I can do better? Suddenly people started giving me useful tips.”
When we help provide people a path to what we need, they are better able to satisfy our wishes. In this case, asking for advice rather than feedback and limiting it to a single thing that could be improved helped the feedback provider hone in on what they wanted to say and Grant walked away with valuable lessons.
“Instead of seeking feedback,” Grant summarizes, “you're better off asking for advice. Feedback tends to focus on how well you did last time. Advice shifts attention to how you can do better next time.”
🤔 Question
If you were to ask someone for advice rather than feedback, what question would you ask and how would that question help provide you with the information and support you need to improve?
Seeking Coaches
🤨 Quote
“We are unknown to ourselves, we men of knowledge-and with good reason. We have never sought ourselves—how could it happen that we should ever find ourselves?”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Source: Hiking with Nietzsche
Observation 🧐
One of the things that can immediately provide one assistance in leading a better life is to reflect upon their own actions and thoughts.
Reflection is one of the most critical things an individual can do. However, it is often hard to see oneself clearly given all the biases we hold.
Seneca once said it is the person who comes to the mirror ready to change who is already partially changed—they’ve taken the first step in reflecting upon their actions.
In order to properly see ourselves, in order to reflect upon our actions more clearly, we need others to assist us. Professional athletes have coaches, professional writers have editors, CEOs have executive coaches. These are all ways to help the individual improve, to get the most out of them, to help them see where their errors lie and try to correct them.
We must learn to become comfortable seeking out individuals who can assist us in bettering ourselves.
It’s not always easy, we’ll often have knee-jerk reactions to their feedback initially. But if we can set the ego aside, if we can listen to what they’re saying and know they are there to help, we can see ourselves in much more clear way.
🤔 Question
Think about someone you know in your life who you look up to. Have you ever considered asking them to be an accountability partner or coach to you? If they fit what you need, take the step and ask.
Beneath the paywall this week we explore the wisdom of Seth Godin. Click below to support and get access.