Breaking Free of Others’ Stories
True freedom comes from the authentic self
Mind Candy is a newsletter on practical philosophy and human flourishment—aka how to live “the good life.” Each month we tackle a new theme.
This month we’re exploring the theme of Story.
From an early age, stories play an immense role within our lives. One of the first stories we’re ever told is the story of our birth. But it’s the stories that come after the birth story that begin to shape who we are and what we become.
When we are born, we are sponges to the world. A baby forms over 1 million new neural connections every second in the first three years of their life. They soak up everything the world has to offer—sights, sounds, facial expressions, voice tone, parents, strangers—it’s endless.
Within those first few years, the child is also absorbing every story, attitude, and belief that its caregivers display for it. As the child grows, it is too young to form its own opinions of the world and instead mirrors what they’ve learned. They take the fears, expectations, and beliefs of their caregivers. The stories that child takes into their life with them to start are not theirs but those who have brought them up.
However, there comes a turning point, usually in adolescence, where we begin to lose some of these stories or beliefs and we begin developing our own. This is the time of life where we begin to form our own identity, tell our own stories, and ultimately begin to live our own lives.
But without properly relinquishing ourselves of others’ stories, we prevent ourselves from living an authentic existence.
One of the strongest points to come out of existentialism is that of Jean-Paul Sartre’s idea that existence precedes essence.
Whereas other philosophical traditions like Stoicism believed our essence was predestined for us and it was our responsibility to find it, Sartre turned this notion on its head and stated we are the narrator’s of our own existence.
“Man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world — and defines himself afterwards.”
Sartre describes the process through the analogy of a paper knife.
The paper knife has its essence before it is ever brought to life. It is made through the knowledge of what it is, its purpose, and a way to produce it. We humans, however, do not follow this same format and do not have our essence pre-established. We are completely free to make up our purpose in life and pursue that. Through the stories we tell, the choices we make, and the actions we take, we define our essence.
True freedom in life is therefore not written by others but by our own hand, by the life we choose to make for ourselves.
Yet too few of us have the ability to objectively review the stories we’re telling and see whether they are made by us, and for good reason, or if they are simply inherited. And there is a critical reason why differentiation by this changes the course of our lives.
There’s a line in the film The Truman Show that perfectly captures why this is an issue:
“We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented. It is as simple as that.”
If we choose to never wake up from the stories that direct our lives, then we can never truly live the story of our life. By proceeding throughout life asleep to the task of writing our own stories, of awakening from the one’s’ we’ve inherited, then we allow the previous generations to direct our actions, thoughts, and beliefs.
When we allow this to occur, when we allow others’ stories to run our lives, we’re falling into what Sartre would call “bad faith.” These stories are limiting, forcing us into beliefs and actions others have established for us rather than be authentic.
Sartre illustrates this with the analogy of a waiter in a cafe. Rather than being authentic and himself, he attempts to look like a waiter from the way he walks, talks, and holds himself. He has an image of what a waiter should be and he attempts, unsuccessfully, to embody it. But by doing so, he is no longer free to be himself and is instead performing a role, thus limiting his freedom.
Like the waiter, the more we allow others’ stories to define us, the more we give up our freedom. Rather than form an identity, we attempt to wedge ourselves into the image of others.
Our ability to come to know ourselves, to build an authentic existence, is built through our ability to shed the stories placed upon us and rewrite them for how we perceive the world.
Unlike an object we can produce for a specific purpose, we are purposeless until we can create ours. Purpose is the rudder to our boat as we navigate the sea of life.
We therefore are not free, not authentically ourselves, until we can begin to write our own stories and have broken free of the chains of others’.
Before you go…
If you enjoyed the above article, you may be interested in the following:
Thank you for reading Mind Candy. If you enjoyed this work, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription. Or if now isn’t the right time, please share to someone who could benefit.
Until next time,
D.A. DiGerolamo
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.